if you
would belong to tomorrow,
where the great secret
beckons,
stop trying
to pick the locks
of your misfortunes.
let go
your petty bucket
of shames,
and the thimble of hope
you have been trying to empty it with.
find the stairs.
the dawn is waiting,
but not for ever.
I’ve walked the most incredible road, from trivial work, a thankless grind of compromising my dignity & integrity for small people, to a life of aligned purpose. I went from living a version of myself I wanted to die to, to a Life of great meaning & Connection. I went from frustration & anger to stillness & great Understanding, and throughout I have grown, in impossible ways, become a version of myself that has no regret, even though I have known great grief and loss, even though I have made serious mistakes.
I did it by letting go, of Story.
I did it by letting go of Expectations, mostly of myself, but also of others. I did it by being radically honest, most with myself, about who I was and what I wanted. I did it by unlearning the rigid and petty rules and virtues and so called ‘truths’ about what we are and how this world works.
I did it by accepting that others would judge me, fear me, blame me, reject me and mistrust me, and that I had to keep on along my own path, without the comfort of permission, without forgiveness that came from any being or anyone outside of myself.
I realised in the end that if I was not liked or loved for who and what I TRULY was, that I was not actually liked or loved at all.
I stopped hoping that someone else was coming. I stopped waiting for endorsement, which would never come. I stopped expecting others to step up, love me, or accept me when I had so persistently failed to do that for myself.
It came down in the end, to arrogance: Who was I to defy the law of men, my community, my peers, who was I to blaspheme, to consider myself worthy enough to make my own choices about healing, about practicing true self-forgiveness, and how I would seek the answers to Life and how I dared to dare to keep my own mind and counsel in a world of useless and dangerously unqualified opinions.
It was neither easy nor simple; so much to unlearn, so much to process, so much to let go, so much to Understand.
My biggest challenge is not my path forward. It is helping you to wake up and see that you are ill and that this is The Way: The Medicine of Understanding.
This is not a post, it is an invitation.
