Most Intimate

Art: Justin Estcourt
the great wheel 
at last,
is turning in the heavens
and is turning also in me.

the battles
now still happen
but they are not designed to defeat me.
and i am relieved.

knowing i am a king
in exile,
and that the world knows it too,
knowing we are in exile, together,
and we are each, alone.
and in that, not alone, at all.

the battles
never were
pitched, to accomplish my undoing,
only rather the unmaking
of everything life had made of me
which i am not.

and so to strip away
the husk,
all that,
which, i simply cannot carry forward
through the door.

in a way that invited me all along
and asked of me only
the fair and necessary wage
of bearing witness
and holding in due honour,
the raw and livid cost
of the million years it took
to get me here now,
at the very axel of the wheel.
across the threshold
towards an uncertain tomorrow.

and i am reminded, how
and taught also
for the very first time,
what it means
to be most intimate
with Life.

i have let go of knowing
what the day will look like exactly,
and i have never felt
more reassured of anything
in my life.

rocco jarman
March 2023

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